I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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