Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
Randomize
