thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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