i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
he just fucked me for my cheese.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
