He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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