Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
Randomize