yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
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