Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
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