Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
you made out with another girl for some wings
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
Randomize
