My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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