so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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