Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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