He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
