Those balls look pretty dangerous.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
