He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
i've created a new STD.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Randomize
