i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize
