He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
