Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
