i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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