i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize