No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
