You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
