It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Randomize
