I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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