Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Randomize
