it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
i drank out of a bidet.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
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