You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize