the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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