No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
you didnt know i had herpes?
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
