if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
