Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
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