help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
This toilet bowl is my home.
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