P.S. I can't hear my feet
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
