Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Randomize
