Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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