I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
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