just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Randomize
