why didn't you poke me back
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Randomize
