At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
