he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
