The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
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