so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
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