I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
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