The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
