***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
Randomize