Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
