DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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