I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
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