Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
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