I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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