Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
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