she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Randomize
