So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
