Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
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