Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
