He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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