I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
