I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
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