I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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