I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
