She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
Randomize
