I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
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