i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
