had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Only if I get to be Gritty
How would you be Gritty for a fantasy hockey league?
Don't worry about it.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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